Happy Birthday Dad

Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my fathers death. It would have also been his 55th birthday. He died on his 34th, that is 3 years younger then what I am now.

The subject of my dad is tied up with so many different emotions that I rarely talk about him to be honest. My dad left my mom, my sisters and I 3 years before he died and we never saw or spoke to him again. I was 13 years old when he left and 16 when he died. I did receive one letter from him in that 3 year time span. For many years I took it out and read it often, then just on his birthdays ( again, ironically also the anniversary of his death). I didn't read it this year and didn't mention out loud to anyone, even those that know what the day was.

The day after he died we found out that we had a stepmother and two year old brother.

When my dad first left all those years ago I was devastated, as were my sisters. We were also very angry and went back in forth between those two emotions, often having them at the same time. I wrote him a few letters, some sad and weepy and some full of anger, bitterness and why? I have often worried that the last letter he received was an angry one, I hope not.

A lot of people were surprised that dad left. I was not. My parents did not have a healthy relationship, and honestly my dad was not a healthy person at the time. My mom was not perfect either, but she did not deserve what she got during their marriage or after.

Over the years it has been difficult for me to reconcile the two people my dad could be with the one that he was, does that make sense?? He could be awful, I mean really awful. But he could also be really wonderful.

Dad loved God, even when he was lost I believe he had that in his heart. Dad taught us to love God also, and I thank him for that. He read to us often from the Bible. Random verses that he felt applied at the time. Always finishing with 1st Corinthians 13. He wanted us to know this. He would lay at the foot of my bed and read to his 3 daughters. It's the clearest good memories I have of him and I hold them dear in my heart.

Over the years I have sometimes only been able to focus on the bad memories and the sadness of abandonment and the issues that left my sisters and I dealing with.

Now, at this point in my life I feel sadness, some sadness for myself and the little girl inside that sometimes still wants and needs a daddy. Sadness for my children that don't have a grandpa. Mostly I feel sadness for him. He had wonderful potential in so many ways. I feel sad for the man he sometimes was and could have always been. I feel sad for the father that missed so many things while his little girls were growing up ( and his son). I feel sad that he's not here to see the amazing women that we've become and how close we are and how much we love each other. I feel sad for him that because he's gone, that his daughters and son never really got to know each other.

I look around at his 13 grandchildren, 5 of which are my own and I know how much he would have loved and enjoyed them. I can see some of him in some of them....

Mostly I'm sad for the good man that got lost and I hope that he was found.

Fall Update

So, it's been a month since I've written again. Not a whole lot has happened,but yet a lot has! Things are still going well with Michael and Brittany in their "setting up house" stage. I've only had to "ref" two arguments. Michael so far seems to actually be gaining some maturity and I'm proud and relieved to see it. He is still selling cars at the Chevy store and doing ok. He wants to hang in and build this as his career. He still calls every single night to tell his sisters and his mama goodnight and it makes my heart melt. He really loves his family. Missy and Kadie are there with them tonight, playing Wii and eating junk food. He's a good boy.



Meg, Missy and Kadie have gone back to school. I can not believe that Meggie is a Jr. I'm very proud of her and how well she is doing. She has worked so hard and come so far. I'm very proud of the choices that she is making, my future bio teacher. She is stubborn, strong willed, opinionated and a little high maintenance. She also loves her daddy (thinks he's the greatest man ever) and her baby sister. Meagan thinks she's still very independent, and is, except she yells mama even more then the middle girls and still wants to lay in my room with me to talk. I'm so glad.

Missy is enjoying 6th grade with one of my former teachers. She is turning into a young lady and social butterfly more every day. She is also more and more like me. We discussed today how she wants to marry a rich farmer and have 6-8 kids! Yes, I do push her to get an education which she fully intends to do, why? " That way if times get tough for farmers we can still support all our kids with my money!" She might have it all figured out. She's also funny and smart and loving.

Kadie is in 5th grade and has the same teacher she had for 1st grade as they have done some shuffling around. It just so happens that it's her fave teacher ever so she's thrilled. We are anxiously awaiting basktball season, I can't wait to see what my star player does this year on the court. There has never been a less selfish and more giving child then Kadie. She's amazing. Never complains about anything.

Little Sister is growing by leaps and bounds and so sad that her sibs are back at school. She is starting to really talk a lot and is fun to have little mini conversations with. A few months ago she wasn't wanting to be worn as much but recently she loves being snuggled in a carrier again. YAY! In fact, she'll go get one and bring it to me for snuggles and "nummy" time. At bedtime she wants Mike and I both laying down with her. So sweet. Loves her brother and sisters and has such sweet special relationships with each of them individually. At meal times she reaches out to hold my hand for prayer and says Amen with the family.

We really need a family picture taken this fall. Everyone has changed so much. OH, Mike had an eye exam and was recommended for bifocals, he refused them but is devasted and thinks he's old this week. Poor man.